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September 2009 
To all the people who kill what they love...
Posted on Sep 2nd, 2008
by 
Alan
Alan
A flash of inspiration hit today.
I was talking with a loved one about a friend, and the child she was raising… and the people she had needed, and alienated. It occurred to me, simply, how the very things and the very people she had needed were the people she sought to dominate, to control, and how this had cost her the relationships with those things and people…
And suddenly, it hit me, how often I’ve seen that dynamic. In my life, and in human history.
Think about it. Haven’t you?
Isn’t the world just full of people setting fire to what they care for?
Those who want romantic love, and when they get it, act in ways that are obviously antithetical to being in a healthy, loving relationship?
Those who want freedom, sometimes from parents, sometimes from other relationships, and when they get it, sell it away at their earliest convenience and first chance, to a situation where they are controlled?
Those even who crave money so much that when they get it they spend it all away?
What is it about us human beings? I find myself wondering this…
Now that it seems so clear to me, that a major issue of our world is people destroying, willingly or unwillingly, the very things they want, in terms of resources, relationships, opportunities. It usually is subtle destruction. 99 times out of 100, the destroyer finds many things to blame the loss on… a scapegoat, some other person, in a way that accepts no personal responsibility for the sense of loss they feel.
Does not the abusive wife or husband destroy what they love? Does not the abusive parent? Does not the dictator, who claims to love his people, kill them?
What is it about this world, in her previous and current stages, that humans have made for ourselves? Why do we do this?
Is it fear?
Lack of belief in our self-worth?
And… how can we help each other to stop?
I’ll let you know if I find answers to these questions. In the meantime, I welcome all discussion on the topic. Do you agree with my assertion, that the world is full of people who love so much they feel they must smash what they love against the rocks?
Ultimately, I suppose, it comes down to control…
…or perhaps recent events have led me to think so—as (admittedly, in my view) people recently have loved my independence, and my point of view, and wanted me around, but would react with violent anger when I chose to honor my beliefs, and not bow to their way of seeing things in a way that I believed sacrificed myself and my right to a worldview… and became so angry about my ‘resistance’ that I could not be around them…
How sad it is, being near, or being one of, the people who destroy what they love…
…And here’s to the people who honor what they care for…
…is it not an issue, also, of attachment? It was interesting to me, the other day, to watch, again, the first three episodes of star wars, which I do not think were really artistic successes, but which did do something very interesting—Anakin Skywalker, as a character, killed what he loved as well. Why?
Attachment.
He couldn’t let go.
Is it so simple and complicated as attachment?
Is it attachment that causes us to burn our loves down?
I guess the Buddha thought so…
But attachment starts in ego…
If you love a butterfly, do not put it in a jar. If you love a relationship, love it knowing that at any moment it can end. Love it because the other in that relationship is a butterfly, who cannot be put into a jar, metaphysical, ideological, or physical. They, as are you, are always free, and must always be, for that which you love to remain. If you love music, don’t limit what music is, should be, or can be… you will eventually cause a narrowness of mind that will negate your enjoy ability, so busy you’ll be judging. It tends to happen… I heard once a musician lament that the more he learned about music, the less he enjoyed it. Is this not tragic?
And if what you love goes, it goes… impermanence is real… all things we see know and feel are temporary. This can be a source of understanding of beauty, or it can be the cause of anxiety, and the anxiety will bring loss… it can do no different.
So enjoy it while it’s there! Cherish it.
As Abbey Lincoln says, “Throw it away… live your life, live your love, each and every day-- keep your hand wide open, let the sunshine through-- you can never loose a thing, if it belongs to you…”
If you love a flower, leave it in it’s home soil.
Is this so hard? Why do we kill what we love?
Is this what we are currently doing to the earth herself?
How can we change?
And so, to all those people, I can say I have learned great compassion. I hope, one day, that you learn. I hope that day comes soon.
Access: Public
dear alan, yes, attachment is a big problem for us, for humans. it is a great sadness that I too have too often in the past clung when I could have gently let go and more truly loved. at the same time, i am happy when i or you or anyone sees these important truths - non-attachment, living the moment to the full, that we never ever can lose anyone or anything we love, not to put limits… thank you for sharing this, thank you for being who you are.
Alan, this is so amazing! I was thinking about a piece I'd written on cords and hooks and discussion on whether we really need to remove the ones we place on each other….and realized that the key reason is –as you have so beautifully explained it, attachment.
You've hit the nail on the head…the reason to stay away from attachment, is that we cannot attain something if we're attached to it…we can't even see the person/thing we're attached/hooked to. We have no energy left from trying to hold on to them…to actually celebrate them.
Thank you for writing this; I've placed a link to this blog at The Power of Light thread.
Ah, I feel uncharacteristically blunt, untactful, no “this is my viewpoint, but…”
If a person is killing something, they do not love it. Period.
You or they might say they do, but what they feel for it is NOT love. It is, yes, attachment, greed, need. Not love.
Period. (Well let's just say I can't imagine another perspective having any validity. I suppose it's possible theoretically…….)
Other than that, yeah, people destroy, control, limit, lots of things. When we find ourselves doing that in some way, it's time for some introspecting, perhaps assisted by feedback we can ask for.
It is fear, yes. It is lack of self-worth, yes. Attachment is just another word for fear, IMO. It is nothing but fear.
How can we help one another to stop? Look around, that's what we are doing. Fortunately, there's a whole lotta that helping going on in the world !!!!
BTW the writing in this blog is amongst your best, maybe even your best I have seen. At least the first half has a powerful flow, just the right blend of terseness and passion.
Thanks for the subject and the thoughts.
OM Bastet
Nicole, yes! You did a lovely job in the comment pointing out the positive, and made me ask myself if I went to far in the other direction. But I suppose all is for a reason. : ) I think I did ok, anyway. I hope so. But my point: absolutely, it is so lovely and wonderful when people learn how to let go. I find myself now wondering how we can really effectively help catalyze for eachother the letting go. Wouldn't it be lovely if we could all help eachother let go, and in letting go, find the solutions to our very real human problems are really at hand? Hm, or am I dreaming? Maybe…
Meenakshi– Yes! Your post on hooks and chords was very excellent and if anything I am the latest in a long line of people hitting this nail on the head, and you hit it before me, so while I'm glad for the compliment, I won't let it go to my head. Anyway, you hit it on the head AGAIN with the lack of ability, when holding on so tightly, to even see the thing we love. attachment does create blindness, and the blindness is the beginning of a terrible cycle, I think… or can be! In any case, that blindness is never quite good. If one loves something that, due to attachment, one cannot see, what one is seeing instead of what is loved is an imaginary version of the object or person… and in their interaction with the beloved, all their imputs and outputs will be skewed. Is this not the case? I've found it to be so.
Vector: yes, we disagree, but that's ok! I for one have no real attachment (at least, I aspire to have none, and I think I do ok at this) to you agreeing with me. I do enjoy the discussion, though… I tend to believe that when people can discuss without attachment to being right, the discussions are always, always a very very positive and growth-filled experience.
My continued belief in the ability of people to destroy what they love comes from observation and life experience. I will definitely take another look… the question may be: do they love it in the moment they are killing it? While the answer may be no, and in many cases clearly IS no… it is also pretty clear to me that in many cases, the person had loved what they destroyed before-hand, and often, they love what they destroyed afterward. So I do feel it's valid to say that the person destroyed what they loved, although the negative emotions we agree arose due to fear and attachment were mitigating, perhaps completely eliminating, the love in the moment of destruction.
But often, I feel the destruction is not actually voluntary. It often arises due to a desire to control that which is loved, and the desire for control often ends up being destructive. The simple example would be a child who loves butterflies and wants one for their bedroom, and places it in a jar, without air or food or water. The child may genuinely care for the butterfly throughout the whole process, and would not necessarily understand that the methods and means of expressing this care are acutely harmful to the butterfly.
So it also may be for the parent of a child whom dreams of, lets say, dancing on Broadway. If the parent is positive, without a doubt, that this dream is foolish, the parent might (and often this type of thing happens) demand the child become an investment banker. The child may be totally unsuitable for the banker job, and the child's spirit may suffer to the point where it could be said that, while not a real, physical death, the parent has, to a degree, killed what they loved.
What do you think of these thoughts, Vector A? Shall we have one of our old discussions on things? Those were fun.
Let the blossom float freely along with the water…it will find what it loves, and which way to place it's center. Some leaves may be bruised. So be thoughtful and gentle when you enter it's home. The ripples will touch all…
Nice to read this. Thanks Bluewater for the floating blossom concept. I love it. Sometimes I feel like I am tied down with one thread and just have to cut it to reach a dream I'm going for. I love when exchange feels balanced. Sooner or later everything will turn out all right.
Alan, I think your post was just right, an honest reflection of your heart. And I think that in these blog discussions we do support and encourage each other in the challenges of our lives, like non-attachment - just look at all these warm and insightful comments here! - I have had so much insight and support from my Gaian friends over the past months as we have explored so many vital areas together, on your blog, my blog, her blog, his blog, in the pods… so much learning and support and reinforcement going on here in many ways (and off-Gaia in long conversations on the phone or IM or face to face meetings) - love you! hugs
I'm happily inspired to leave this song link here. hope any who listen enjoy. It doesn't relate directly, perhaps, but then again, it does.
ripples, indeed… look who's getting back her penchant for lovely, inspiring speech! : P from one blossom to another, it's very nice to see!
Kathy and Nicole, Yes!
I learned from a great master ;) Wow what an awesome tune, thanks for sharing, blossom :)
that was beautiful, thanks for the song link! hugs
Yeah, I love that crazy song.
Here's another one… which unfortunately may cost me my 'tough guy' street cred. oh well!
yep, that's it, Alan, I hear your street cred crashing and dissolving into many shards as we speak - LOL!
I still remember hearing on the radio that she had died and how sad I felt… to me this song is always the essence of Minnie - Lovin' You
that falsetto -ah ah ah ah ah ah - at the end of every chorus still gives me chills, so pure and high and sweet and sad …