what to say?

I used to really quite dislike the biblical story of Job.  but it is true, the way the universe moves is not really for us always to know. 

And the reasons things happen may not be the reasons we thought. 

For me, Barbados is over.  It was...

And ultimately very much different from what I had expected.  As was the relationship that brought me there.  I blame no one and nothing. 

Blame is useless. 

There's beauty everywhere...

And while I ran, headlong, into a situation that ultimately was very ill-fitting, it was simply to be so: my victory, here, will be the continued ability to live full-out, to continue, as I have, to live what I believe. 

A

story time, kiddies

once upon a time in a place that's become western legend there was a city of joy and it was called camelot and in it a child who was nephew to the knight everyone basically decided should be king was born and raised.  the nephew was called gawain, and the king was called arthur. 

the nephew was a brave little sport who wanted to become a knight from the age he could sufficiently wave a stick around to pretend it was a sword.  None of the actual knights could dissuade him and eventually through his sheer determination (unstoppable it was, really) he reached his goal. 

he was the only rookie on a team of stark veterans. 

he was a very young man who had just joined his heroes on a mission he did not really understand, because his vision was a bit clouded by his reverence of the other knights.  he was seeing only the heroic side of things...

which is where this story starts. 

now, one day all those knights were just hanging around in the round table... telling stories, drinking ale, having their usual grand old time.  and this dude shows up.  he calls himself the green knight  He disses camelot and the knights, suggests they are all up to no good.  he says: "'ll defeat any one of you.  come up here, strike a blow.  then I'll strike the same blow you struck me.  and you will lose." 

all those old veteran knights were a bit too senior to fall for such a simple trick.  But gawain, he was young and eager to prove himself and win respect and all that.  so before the others could speak, in the name of defending the city of joy, he struck a blow, to the green knight's neck.  struck the guy's head clean off. 

surprisingly, however, as the story goes, the green knight picks up his head and says: "ok, now I will do the same to you.  you have one year.  when that year is over, come to my castle, and be prepared.  then he leaves."

Gawain knows if his head is cut off, unlike the green knight, he will be unable to pick it up and walk out of the room-- a pretty amazing feat by any stretch.  in short, gawain is now living under a death sentence. 

gawain wanted to be a knight, despite the knights telling him that he (as was everyone) was better off eating, drinking, and being merry, as they say.  he tried, and, by his account, screwed up almost as soon as he started, and was now going to be crows' food.  in short, gawain felt like a tremendous failure. 

what the other knights knew that they could not tell gawain-- the whole thing was a big test, begun by a trap.  gawain had fallen into a trap, and was now subject to a test.  in the test, he was the representative of the city of joy... and they could not interfere with the test.  to do so would be to invite gawain's death. 

the test was: when everything is taken away from you, even your hope, will you honor the code you have claimed?

Gawain in his head had a year to live.  and it was, to him, a great shame.  he had wanted something for his whole life, and all his life he and only wanted that thing.  to be a knight.  and when he got it, he had failed to live up to it.  and so he was to die, and before dying, live in shame.. 

so you see, everything was taken from him, even his hope.

but still, for the whole year, he lived up to the code.  he spent the year as they all did, doing all they could.  for the citizens, and for everyone and everything. 

living for the everyone, and not for himself. 

standing up for love.  (sorry if that sounds corny.)

but he was, in his heart, heartbroken.  and no one could tell him what was going on... that it was a test.  if he knew, he would probably die. 

for a year, he was an exemplary knight... and then came the time the green knight had told him was the day of his beheading...

and when it came, he went to the castle of the green knight.

the test was not over, for the green knight gave him three tests.  the first two were long and elaborate, but basically, the gist was: I'm going to kill you, and you are dying.  why not bend a little bit?  why not abandon some of the beliefs you've come to hold, for even an instant?

gawain did not. 

the last test was simple and complicated.  gawain loved women. 

the green knight's wife was beautiful. 

she told sob stories of what a horrible man he was, and told gawain how she was attracted to gawain.  he was in that castle for a week, and every night for that week, she thought to seduce him.  but a small seduction, just a tiny, tiny bit of bend into what gawain believed to be wrong.

just a little kiss.

she gave him justification after justification.  after all, he was being 'wronged.'  why not?

it was only a kiss. 

night after night, gawain said he could not. 

well, on the last night before his beheading, she really layed it on him... she used every womanly charm she had.  she cried and cried, for him as well as her... for the young knight who tomorrow would surely die.  she begged. 

Finally, he consented to a single kiss... from her.  on his cheek. 

she gave him...  piece of her outfit, green cloth, to take with him on the morning, when her husband was to behead her.  and then she left him alone. 

gawain awoke and went to his reckoning/death with that green cloth tied, or wrapped, around his thigh. 

he bent his head and prepared for the stroke that would kill him. 

but the green knight barely cut the back of his neck with the sword.  he didn't behead gawain.  just gave him a gash, deep enough, onlyjust, to scar.  and then vanished.  so gawain went home. 

he still felt like a failure.  he didn't understand. 

when he returned, somewhat morosely, he told his story.  the knights fought back tears, or cried. 

the next day, they all had green on their legs, wrapped around their thighs. 

so were they moved by what gawain had achieved. 

(gawain didn't know this, but how he felt that year... they all felt exactly that way.)

(because they were holding a city of joy against earth's darkest era.... a holdout, call it.  and they were doomed to fail.  one day, as the green knight did to gawain, the sword was going to fall on all of them.  it was only a question of when and how.)

(that was the 'adventure' that truly made the young man a knight.)

(they wore the green to remember what true valor was.)

gawain never understood what he had done.  but he continued to do it anyway.  such a man was he.

the end.

*******
evblog today on the fact that it's what you do and what you give that defines you.   there are no reasons or excuses for behavior, only behavior.  no one is to blame for what I do... what I do is my reckoner, and all I ever must reckon to.

there are days for all of us when it gets difficult to achieve the standard of light behavior... meaning, not going to the 'dark side,' using angry and bitter words, being hurtful to people because we feel we've been hurt, giving up.  feeling crushing self-pity.  feeling anger at our situations, allowing fear to keep us from what we know we must do, etc. etc. 

we are all, all of us, living in lifelong struggles against the negative emotions.  for now. 

act not out of fear, or anger, or sadness. 

act out of hope, and love, and determination to serve the oneness of all... and, as gawain showed us and I think I heard tyra banks say, if a day brings you difficulty finding the good emotions, 'fake it until you make it,' 

there are days when the negative emotions may swarm us if we're not careful, and we can find it easy to justify being angry, and acting out our anger, or being sad, and acting out the same.  those are the days that measure us.  what we do then is who we are. 

I, imperfect as I am, evolve... and I have done well.   no matter what is said or what was said, or done, or what happens to me...  I use no excuses. 

when the days get hard, I wear green.

******

evblog on the higher earth:

every day brings me closer to my once home. 

self replicating universe:

in the fourth dimension, we call the slightly varied copies "instants."

There.  I said it. 

...ever see one of those pictures of seemingly floating monks?  the viewers, thinking out of the thoughts we've learned from the age of reason, probably have the same thought: looks like a hoax. 

...do Buddhist monks really seem like the type to go around lying about such things?

...makes you wonder, doesn't it, what believing the tenants of the supremacy of reason has cost us in terms of human potential... makes us wonder if outside of the bounds of the traditional, there aren't many fascinating and enjoyable answers, activities, realms...

we're like a 20 year old playing an endless game of canasta, we modern humans.  Dullsville.

(there, I said it)